The Cemetery
I have passed by this cemetery plenty of times, not once
was I ever bothered by it or even freaked out about passing it. I remember
looking at this cemetery, the one so close to home and feeling some type of
sadness to all of the people; who have lost their lives for whatever reason it
may have been. I felt sorrow for those
families who had to burry a beloved one, felt sorrow because a cemetery is a
lonely place filled with tombstones that symbolizes the year of birth to the
year of death. I felt all of this because I didn't know anyone that was buried
in this cemetery. But little did I know
that this will change one day, that it would come unexpected and that this
cemetery will change everything.
It was a bright sunny, breezy early morning as I get
ready for my first day at a new job. May
the month that summer isn't far away; in fact, it seems to be here sooner than
most previous years. I woke up extra early, I didn't want to be late for my
first day, and I wanted to make a good impression. I made myself a cup of
coffee, to wake me up even more from the lack of sleep of the night before. I wasn't able to sleep many hours; I would toss and turn every hour feeling
worried, scared and even nervous about this new job. Coffee has become my rescuer from this
sleepiness that overshadows my body. As I begin preparing my toast with almond
butter, I hear my phone ring; it was the sound of my text messaging.
I felt happy, thinking it was my best friend sending me a
message wishing me best of luck on my new job position. But slowly the
happiness that I was feeling drifts away and I begin to feel sick to my stomach
as I realize what was being sent to me. The message was far from a good luck
wish, instead it was shocking. “So Ashli’s mom called saying Ashli is in an
induced coma,” were the words I read as I opened the message. Josh had texted
all of us, who were close to Ashli, this message and in a matter of minutes
everyone flooded him with questions. Questions of how, why and when did it
happen, were all asked with no clear answer.
At first I thought it was a horrible and wrong joke that
was being portrayed as a prank or even a cry of attention. I couldn't accept
the fact that she was in an induced coma, when days ago she couldn't wait to
celebrate her birthday. She first wanted to gather a group of friends and head
down to Atlantic City for her birthday weekend the first week of June. But
shortly after, she decided to go out for drinks at the local bar Nugent’s on a
Friday night, then on Saturday she wanted to head to a strip club with her main
guys, afterwards have dinner with everyone. This was more like Ashli, always
being the life of the group and captivating us with her laughter.
So many thoughts were running through my mind, if my
nerves were in a knot already, they were in a tighter knot after that message.
I wanted to head down to the hospital to see her, but I know I couldn't do
anything and I couldn't miss my first day either. I kept in touch with Josh, my
best friend whenever I had a chance to see if there was any news about her. As
the day went by, we all wondered what was happening and we all maintained in
touch with each other. We didn't have much news until the next day when we were
told that she was being transferred from St. Barnabas to Beth Israel hospital.
The first weekend; Memorial Day, the weekend when the
beaches would officially open has turned to become the weekend of wonder,
nervousness and worrying. Sunday, was the day I was able to see my dearest
friend, I went with my boyfriend John and my best friend Melany. Beth Israel is
so close to home, but it was an unfamiliar place, a strange place for me. I
felt a feeling of uneasiness as I approached the front desk to find out where
my beloved friend stayed while in a coma. We were all handed a pass to be
allowed in, but I couldn't find myself to look at it to know what floor or room
she was in; even though I knew she wasn't in any regular floor. My gut feeling
was right; as the elevator doors open we were welcomed to an unwanted place of
the intensive care unit. I knew from
this moment on that this intensive care unit will carry the burden of the
horrible sickness that has captured my dearest friend. Her father, Mr. A, as I
like to call him explained to each one of us about his daughter’s critical
condition. I couldn't help to feel sad for him and the family; I know that deep
inside they were aching of a heart break because no one wants to see their baby
girl in such critical condition.
Only two people at a time were allowed to be in the room,
so only one of us could go since her mom wouldn't move away from her side. Others
went before us three, and then John went which seemed like a life time until
his return. I waited along side with Melany, but I was nervous, afraid, my
heart beating rapidly until it was finally my turn. I followed Mr. A down the
never-ending, white walled hallway that has been tainted with so many losses. I've been to hospitals plenty of times before, but never have I felt so scared,
uneasy as I did with every step I took. I couldn't breath, every time we got closer to
where she was I felt like I was being suffocated. The last place I would want
her to be in would be in a hospital, let alone in an induce coma and the worst
part was not knowing what exactly was going on with her. As we arrive to her
room, I am welcomed by the blue room she is in, but sadden to see a room full
of machines, each one echoing a different sound. I couldn't help, but to notice
how tiny she looked lying in that big hospital bed, how tiny she looked even
though she wasn't really tall. But what hurt the most was seeing her, my
closest friend, attached to so many machines and with a tube down her throat. I
became still, almost statue-like, like I was trapped in this horrible nightmare
that I couldn't wake up from. I snapped out of this nightmare when Mr. A
introduced me to Ashli’s mother, who in so many ways Ashli resembled her. I
smiled at her, she smiled back, but I just couldn't contain myself, I needed to
give her a big hug. We hugged each other for which it seemed forever. Without
saying one word, we knew what we were feeling and thinking just in that one
hug.
Sitting
next to her was comforting and devastating all wrapped up in a bow just waiting
to be knotted. I sat next to her, having small talk about Ashli’s condition,
how it all happened so fast and what the doctors are doing. I couldn't say much
with the little knowledge I have when it comes to situations like this. She was
very positive, always smiling, just like Ashli, now I can see where she got her
personality from. I tried to be strong for her, I couldn't let her see that
deep within I wanted to burst out in tears, yell at God for this wrong doing,
to slap the person that told Ashli she was fine when she really wasn't to hug
my dearest friend, who was neither here or gone. I wanted to say so many
things, but nothing seemed to come out at that moment. I watched Ashli from the
side, seeing her in this unwanted place, wishing that something needs to be done
to help her. I was trying so hard, but so hard not to let her mom notice that I
was shaking from head to toe. I knew that deep inside of her, she knew that
this wasn't going to be easy and figured out that I was thinking the same.
After
seeing my friend in such a horrible condition, I couldn't think about anything
else other than her. After leaving the hospital, I exchanged numbers with Mr. A
so I can keep in touch with him as well as keep friends up to date with her
situation. Days went by and her condition remained the same. It was until
couple of days before her 25th birthday, that she woke up from the
coma. We were all excited to know that our friend has finally woken up from the
coma and that she will be able to see each one of us, but at the same time that
excitement turned into questions regarding if she was fine, functioning and if
she will recognize us. Even though she woke up from the coma, there was lack of
oxygen to her brain. Mr. A planned a get together of family and friends to come
down to the hospital for Ashli’s birthday. Each one of us brought balloons, flowers
and cards with special messages inside. Melany and I, we bought a birthday card
together, so we would go inside Ashli’s room and read our beautiful card to
her. Melany and I are very close, we have been through many things in our lives
that brought us close, but Ashli’s birthday was the day we needed each other the
most.
Everyone was in the waiting room, all waiting to see
beautiful Ashli, talking, laughing and enjoying each other’s company. When it
came down to us, Melany was there by my side and this was it for us. This was
it for us because we were nervous, scared, emotional and sad that we would have
to read a birthday card to our beloved friend in a place that no one wanted her
to celebrate in. When we arrived to her room, Ashli was no longer lying down
from the last time I saw her, she was sitting up, leaning a bit forward, but I
guess it was due to the position the bed was placed on. We both began
whispering her name, Melany had the courage to touch her hand, something I was
not able to do just yet. I began reading
our birthday card to her; I couldn't help myself from shaking or even stopping
the tears streaming down my face. I read to her, the part that I wrote, wishing
her to fight this up to when she is better that we would all hang out just to
hear her laugh. At this point, I tried to read more, but the words wouldn't come out, it was hard to swallow, to keep calm and to stop crying. As Melany
stood by her side, reading her part, I couldn't do anything else, but stand
beside her and cry on her shoulders.
I knew from this moment on, just seeing Ashli in this
condition, the way that she looked and how slowly her vital organs would give
their all, was the moment that I knew something will happen soon. Leaving with
the image of her will stay with me forever, I knew she heard us and I believe
that deep inside Ashli is screaming to come out and face the world again. We
all were hopeful that things would be better from this day on and that she
would make progress. I kept in touch with Mr. A every day, asking him how she
was doing, what were the doctors saying, and if any tests were being performed.
Once he would respond I would text everyone his response and keep everyone
aware of what was happening.
When
Thursday came around, I wasn't able to speak with Mr. A at all that day. It was
a busy and hectic day for me, working two jobs and then I was meeting up with a
friend for coffee before she left on vacation. At the same time I wanted to
give him a break because all week he would get text message after text message
from me. But something strange was going on, when I was having coffee with my friend,
my phone would ring like crazy. I was getting text after text from Josh, asking
me if I spoke to Ashli’s dad today and when I was about to respond I get a
phone call from my best buddy Cory. Both
were asking me if I spoke to Mr. A at all today, which I thought was strange
because they wouldn't ask me this for any reason without knowing something I didn't know. Once I left my coffee date with my friend, I called Cory back to
speak with him more openly when I was driving back home.
When I was three houses away from mine, Mr. A calls me on
the other line, so I hang up on Cory and I begin talking to Mr. A. He begins by
apologizing for calling me at such late hour, but that he had some serious news
to tell me. He said that Ashli had two surgeries, both of which the doctors
found that the viral infection that she had had taken over her lungs and other
vital organs. He said that the way she is now is not the way she is, he said
that this isn't my daughter and we don’t want our daughter to be tied to a
hospital bed forever. So he said that tomorrow, at 11:30 a.m. the family will
turn off the life support machine. He asked me to tell everyone, who is able to
come, to come by the hospital at 11:00 a.m. to say our final goodbyes.
It was the most heart-breaking words anyone has ever said
to me and all I kept thinking was how I am going to tell everyone else. I
remember walking into my living room, after hanging up with Mr. A, crying so
much that nothing came out of my mouth other than, “Ashli, Ashli, and Ashli.”
My mom hugged me so tight and I broke down and cried even more because without
saying what happened she already knew. “Who do I call first, How will I break the
news, Why am I the one to give such sad news to the friends I love that our
beloved friend is waiting for our goodbyes,” was all I kept thinking about. I
knew that the first thing I needed to do was calm myself down, that being
nervous wouldn't get me anywhere near to what needed to be said. Thursday night
was the worst, the most heart-breaking and painful night in my entire twenty
three years of life.
I told everyone, we all agreed to arrive at the same
time, but I know that they were all hiding their feelings deep inside and I
knew that even though I wasn't with them when they cried, I knew to be their rock in all of this. The
next day, morning comes as we all arrive at the hospital walking almost
mummy-like. Once again, we were all in that waiting room as everyone goes in to
say good bye in pairs of two’s. Melany and I wanted to go in with each other,
so as we wait for Josh and Vania to return, we are filled with sadness and
sorrow. As we walk half way down the hall, I needed to stop for a minute before
actually doing this. I couldn't breath, I didn't want to be here, and I wanted
to run away or even pinch myself to wake up from this horrifying nightmare. I
tried to pull myself together, but it wasn't working, I began tearing up just
as we stand outside her room. We walked in together, stood by her side, I took
her cold hand and I whispered her name. She opened up her eyes, but as soon as
we started to tell her our last words, she closed her eyes as if she knew
something was happening to her, as if she didn't want to hear these words just
yet. I began crying so much that I turned to Melany and said, “I can’t do this
right now,” as I turned to walk to the hallway for a breather. I heard Melany
talking to her as I tried to calm myself more and I wasn't ready just yet to
leave without telling her what she means to me.
I walk to where Melany was beside Ashli, I grab her hand
one more time and said, “Ashli, I love you, I will miss you and I know that you
will be up in the sky looking down at all of us laughing and smiling, just how
we will remember you.”
All of the lovely memories I have of Ashli came to my
mind. I begin remembering back in high school how she would call me by a
different name every time I would say, “Hi,” to her in the hallway. I remember
her wearing a wine colored shirt, matching with Josh, to my Sweet 16 and the
funny thing was it wasn't even planned. I remember her laughter, especially
since she recorded my eighteenth birthday and all she ever did was laugh. Her
laugh was always contagious; we would always laugh with her no matter what the
reason was. She was the life of my twenty-first birthday party, which was such
a great birthday with so many pictures and just funny moments of being drunk
with best friends. I remember listening to Gym Class Heroes, Cupid’s Chokehold
in Josh’s car and how she knew the lyrics of every part of the song. All of
these memories, became vivid images in my mind, all of these memories will be
what remains of Ashli. All of these memories would be what we can look back and
remember the good times each one of us had with her. All of these memories will
keep Ashli alive in each one of us.
June 14, 2013, will hunt me forever because that
afternoon at precisely 1:50 p.m. my dearest friend, who I love until this day,
passed away in a peaceful sleep forever. She was beautiful, looked very
peaceful like she was in no pain when we buried her. The cemetery so close to
home actually hit home to all of us and nothing will be the same. The cemetery
that I once did not care for, only felt sorry for those lost souls, has become
the cemetery I can’t find myself to look at anymore. I know that she is buried
in this cemetery, I know that I have a reason to step a foot inside this lonely
place of peace, but until today I can’t find myself just yet to go inside.
It’s hard for each one of us to step in the cemetery, it’s
been four months and none of us have the courage to visit her. She was the
reason our friendship seemed so perfect even with its imperfections.
Remembering her as she was is what we all want to cherish, we don’t want to
remember the person she became when she was sick. It’s too soon to go and see our dearest
friend, even though the cemetery should be a place that should unite us all.
But we still can’t face the fact that she’s officially gone. We will always
remember Ashli, laughing, making jokes and being funny, the way she has always
been. The cemetery that I once did not
care for has become the place that has changed everything for each one of us.
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